“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
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Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Every reddit post is like “I’m sure this is totally normal, but my husband has cut off my head.”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
Kids, do not try this at home!
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Me: this would be better without the raisins in it
Them: they’re chocolate covered raisins
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.