Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car

Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No

Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal

Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

Anyone want a chair?

Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not

OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?

Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.

Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER

Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.

Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.

Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…

This is just a bottomless Pitt

The surprise organ harvestings will continue until morale improves now back to work

Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?

The baby cheese crust.

peeping toms

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?

Me: Absolutely not.

(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

No matter how many times I read this, it always makes me happy.

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.

Parenting is easy

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!

My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet

WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.

ME: [swallows suppository]