“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
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I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
my friends: omg how are you!
me: i wronged the gods in all my past lives and i once again have only bad news
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
barbara was highly relatable
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.