Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
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For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Matthew McConaughey in Dazed & Confused: He gets older, the girls stay the same age
Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar: he stays the same age, his girl gets older
The range on this guy!
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good