Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
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Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:
‘What time is it?’
‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’
*blows trombone loudly*
Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’
😃
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon