Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
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Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I have a black belt in leather
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
due to financial reasons I will now be performing photosynthesis
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
I knew the date was going well when we shared a glass of gravy with two straws.