Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
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[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
Is….Is this an option?
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
In retrospect the What Would Dave Grohl Do wristbands might not be the can’t miss million dollar idea that I thought they would be
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
“Please be normal”
“Nope”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke