Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
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Just me?
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love!! They just opened up a cheesecake sample cart at Costco
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!