Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
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I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism