Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

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A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid

There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:

1. Headphone users have torsos?

2. Giraffe strangler

Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills

“Dark Side Tech Support.”

“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”

“Try turning the hate off & on again.”

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]

12: No, you shut up!

14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!

Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

[Takes dog to park]

*waits for romantic comedy to begin

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars

The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!

I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.

Is he dead?

Is he dead?

Is she dead?

Is HE dead?

What about him?

Is SHE dead?

-My kids watching 80s music videos.

[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers

Me, flirting

OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??

If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight

[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him

Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.