“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
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oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
✨☝️✨
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
Me: I’m feeling my age today.
Son: Really? I thought the senses dulled during the late stages of life.
Me: Your sister is my favorite.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
*seductively eats two tums*
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.