“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
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My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
I can’t wait!
have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
