Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team

While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

now is it just me or does this dress look like she’s making pasta from scratch.

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

reviewed some movies recently

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance

There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die

[9 PM, Sunday night]

Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.

if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.

I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.

But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.

Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’

Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

inflation so bad pets are getting jobs

I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:

Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.

Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

If an alien egg starts hatching in front of u, I would recommend not leaning over it to look inside. I’d back tf up. Just my two cents

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.