Sorry I didn’t reply to your text, I just couldn’t find a response that would keep you from sending another
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Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Anytime I switch deodorants, it’s like a sexy stranger is following me around all day
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
*orders delivery*
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
I came this close!!!!
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.