Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife ate a bowl of chili and a large coffee before our kids’ soccer game today, so I gave her the car keys and said “I hope you make it in the time”

him: does this pillow feel lumpy

me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..

FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?

Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.

Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering

Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!

Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

merriam-webster followed and then unfollowed me. not very definitive of them

The cashier just checked me out.

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real

friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out

me: [turning around] who

Medusa: hey

friend: I said don’t look

statue:

girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height

me: yeah no need to add too much info!

girl: ok but how tall are you?

me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important

My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream

When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.

[at Dr. appointment]

Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.

Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING

I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!

If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

my cat: I’d like to go out

me: ok

my cat’s tail: not me tho

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.

– at a ramen restaurant –

Me: slurp

Me: sluuurp

Me: slur-

Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet

Me: im practicing leave me alone

Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.

There’s trash talk, then there’s this.

The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.