Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.

Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”

cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches

Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

I love you to the refrigerator and back

As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.

Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.

I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.

if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

*deleted Titanic scene*

Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats

Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!

[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!

FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime

ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-

THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out

I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*