Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf

Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid

5: they also didn’t have cars

I distinctly remember someone asking me to do them a favor and me responding with an enthusiastic “consider it done”…but that was a few weeks ago and I can’t remember who asked or what the favor was 😬

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.

showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt

Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.

Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch

[camera zooms in]

Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*

Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*

To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.

I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.

-“I’m 21.”

Omg eww, get away from me!

My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…

“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”

Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.

I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list

The more you know

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.

If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.