ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
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[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card