Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

I’m so full I could puke a horse

We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.

There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field

I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan

Me: You are not going to believe this…

Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child

Me: There is no toilet paper over here.

As a kid I was worried about randomly disappearing into the Bermuda Triangle forever.

As an adult I’m wondering how I can actually make that happen.

Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?

Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.

i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.

Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power

I bought a 12 year old whiskey. His parents are furious

I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.

me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”

Using Latin phrases to sound smart is my modus operandi.

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.

“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys

Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.

I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’

If you use your full name on here you’re either really brave or really crazy.

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend

When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”

Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead

“Honey, have you seen the cat?”

– Mrs. Schrödinger