Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
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Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Breaking news:
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.