Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send

BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”

hackers play passwordle

*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?

*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.

Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*

[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.

I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.

“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”

…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!

the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village

I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS

Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?

Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”

Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”

[cockroach crawls by]

Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?

*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*

Me: Not that one.

I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

dentist: have you been flossing?

me: yes 🙂

dentist: your mouth?

me: no 🙁

Jesus Christ lmao

Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.