Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong

HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug

ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”

“I’m sorry I feel that way.”

How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?

Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.

MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u

My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor

-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it

I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.

I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

Hey guys if anyone was thinking about asking me to cut their hair I’d strongly encourage against it and any further questions on that can be directed to my boyfriend who is now, as of 20 minutes ago, for reasons no one can quite pinpoint, more or less bald

~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE

Attacked by a mop.

Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.

meow

GOD: I call them Water Buffalo

ANGEL: But they live on land

GOD: Yep

ANGEL:

GOD:

ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u

GOD: Not a bit

me: it’s our third date, you know what this means

him: *confidently* I think I do

me: *saves his number in my contacts*

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian

If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.

Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.