Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
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1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I triple waxed for this?
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer