Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

dec 26 to jan 1 is like the days after spotify wrapped… you can listen to/do whatever you want and it doesn’t count against next year’s naughty list

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.

I deserve chocolate. I just deleted a comment on Facebook that would’ve led to a political fight.

Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!

…and other things I never said before having kids

Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?

[A few hours later]

Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*

Quick observation about the passage of time.

I’m 44. Born in 1980.

1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.

1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.

2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.

2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.

[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]

Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.

My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old

Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage

You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

Me (at a tournament): I win!
*throws ball into the crowd*

Manager of bowling alley: Okay, that’s not right.

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.

Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.

9: I don’t want to get it wet.