Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
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One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
baby for sale. refuses to wear shoes
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
never vacuuming so i don’t disrupt my carpet’s natural micro biome
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.