Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
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[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Sooo many times…..
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
Never ghost your hitman.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.