Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
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When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My 6-year-old has recently decided his chicken wings need to be eaten with a fork & knife.
I told him to eat with his hands like usual since he was clearly struggling, and he said, “Mom, I’m older now. Why are you trying to make me eat wild? Like a wolf?”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
The biggest issue with mass immigration is all those people are going to make Europe too heavy and it will sink into the ocean, and the see-saw effect will raise the far east into the stratosphere and launch Chinese people into space.
Why is no one talking about this?
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Rare photo of two submarines racing
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.