Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?

Wives – 3

Men – What?

I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

*carpools to work*

Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody

Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm

Wife: he means the kids

Me: I trust them even less

There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.

*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend

Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.

What, I’m Asian?

*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*

*buys a bonsai tree*

I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

[job interview]

willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies

oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position

My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before

May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.

it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher

Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”

He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.

Thanks for following

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

me: can i buy animal crossing

mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!

ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.