Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
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Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
🙁
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
groan^2
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.