Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.

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I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?

let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish

Asian gangs, also known as study groups..

I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes

I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.

“I’m very proud of my teeth. I’m going to show the humans my teeth. They’ll love them.” —Great White Sharks, probably.

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out

Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!

THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man

me: my father shall hear of this

them: is he powerful and wealthy?

me: no we’re just close

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT

him: your so cute! why are you alone!?

me: you’re

him: …

me: hello? hello?

Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.