Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?

When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.

Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.

I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.

“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.

So I get it, squirrels. I get it.

Me: My son totaled another car.

Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?

M: yes

P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?

First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.

Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.

me: just bear with me

bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures

“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out

GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight

I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.

Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me

Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.