Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*

The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.

[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*

[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?

If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.

Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf

All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.

Just be glad I don’t have kids.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.

*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”

You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”

I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.

The doctor asked the 3s what their favorite vegetable was at their physical today.
3B told him bananas.
3A told him cheese.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other