Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.

*falls off log and dies

When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.

If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?

i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time

so no one told you life was gonna be this way

Her: We need to talk

Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?

[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”

My Alexa can now understand my toddler.

Pray for me.

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.

Becoming a dad turned me into an environmentalist. All I do now is turn off lights and yell at people who waste energy.

Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

Light as a feather, smorg as a board

Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.

My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole