Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

The massive row between me and my wife at her cousin’s wedding was actually staged because I needed to leave early for a work thing, and she wanted to get back at her cousin for getting engaged at our wedding.

Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy

I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.

[renovating house]

ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

Me: We will leave in a little bit

8: After you put your makeup on?

Me: I have my makeup on!

8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.

So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Murdery Steve, he has never been questioned”

Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on

Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.

Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!

is this a threat

The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate

Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games

God: you’re a mosquito.

Mosquito: what does that mean?

God: you feed on blood.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire?

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: you can fly.

Mosquito: i’m a vampire!

God: no.

Mosquito: oh.

God: garlic repels you.

Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.

Find yourself some cake.

My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play

If you need a laugh.. 😅

DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.