Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
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Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
If I’m wrongly accused of a crime, I’m going to prison. I’m way too introverted to have an alibi.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.