Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
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I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
How animals would run if they were human
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
Called it
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
i hate you platonically
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life