Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.

BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..

And that’s why you clean your room, kids.

A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.

Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

[Record Shop]

Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?

Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.

Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.

I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes

Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.

Somebody tell her, I can’t.

Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?

Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.

Please follow the instructions

1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass

5) Only do number one

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”

*crickets*

“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”

I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.

– people with the right amount of body parts

girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.

An ice cream truck has rolled past my house three times and it’s honestly starting to feel like profiling

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.

I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

[coming back into house from grocery store]

Me: thanks for coming with me!

7: I didn’t really have a choice.

Me: but it was nice, right?

5: we can’t stay home alone.

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.