Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death

me: so you’re gonna let me live

*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.

*sets phone on fire*

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.

She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.

Patrol.

fish:

eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you

My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.

You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

Go to a doctor?

When there’s all this free advice on the internet?

Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon

I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.

When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.

The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence

*yells from the back of an ambulance*

“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”

*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME

Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.

Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.

Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.