Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
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I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
I’m gonna have my body cremated so I can have one last meltdown.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I love furniture from the Edward Ian period. 😂
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.