Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.

I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.

Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again

I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts

Favourite diary entry ever

Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”

That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are

I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR

“Australia is the smallest planet”

– first day of school already paying off

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.

[restaurant]
WAITER: And to drink?
ME: I’ll have a coke and a pepsi.
WAITER: Is pep…um…Is cok…ok…Is…I…what..
*waiter spontaneously combusts*

A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.

Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*

Guy at next urinal: holy shit

Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.

My kids have been very keen on mandarins (which 3yo calls “baby oranges”) for the past two days so I bought a 5lb bag. If you have children I’m sure you can guess what is going to happen next

All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.

Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,