Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
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The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap