Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
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saw this in a dream
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Moving tip: don’t learn how to read
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.