Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grass

Things my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat food

Colour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and white

Synopsis: My cat is a cow

My wife working in our garden: How does it look?

Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.

Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you

Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.

Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊

I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.

[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

#DadJoke

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

[Commercial for ulcer medication]

“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”

Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?

Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.

Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.

Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that

I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.

Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.

[third date]

Her: please quit calling me Jenny

Me: oh my apologies Jennifer

Her: my name is Amanda

This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.

Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.