Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
You Might Also Like
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
There is no “we” in pizza
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.