@Jacksawyerr

Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.

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@OwensDamien

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

@Odiegirl9

What’s the first thing you notice when someone walks up to you?

Me: The audacity.

@WildeThingy

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

@Tylerosis

I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.

@Rich_McCarthy

Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, “what kinda robot does that one turn into?”

@tastefactory

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

@simoncholland

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

@Proxic0n

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

@FredTaming

Me: You’re leaving me again?

Her: (packing)

Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?

Her: (walking downstairs)

Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?

Her: (opening door)

Me: Come on, one more chance!

Her: (car starting)

Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!

@inigoomontoya

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people