Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.

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maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration


It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5


What do we want?

When do we want them?


Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.

Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?


Me: *takes off my clothes*

Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.


Is this one haunted?
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!


[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager


I tried S/M once, and ended up with a dominatrix who was unusually cruel. Instead of using a whip she would make me do fractions in my head.


People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know

Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”

People: wait no, why are you like that


Probably karma that Will Smith made a song about parents not understanding and then had a son who literally no one understands.