maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.
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It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!
When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
Is this one haunted?
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
I tried S/M once, and ended up with a dominatrix who was unusually cruel. Instead of using a whip she would make me do fractions in my head.
People Giving Writing Advice: Be you, just write what you know
Me, typing: “Her eyes shimmered like oil in a deep fryer. She had hair like brown linguini, and thighs like albino sea lions.”
People: wait no, why are you like that
Probably karma that Will Smith made a song about parents not understanding and then had a son who literally no one understands.