My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Sorry I dropped your baby and tried to catch it with my foot.
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What’s the first thing you notice when someone walks up to you?
Me: The audacity.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, “what kinda robot does that one turn into?”
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people