ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
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Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Every work meeting this week
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.