Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
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Donkey I Shreked the Kids
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Me: one pill pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: no just one pls
Pill Bottle: 37
Me: pls only one pi-
Pill Bottle: SILICA PACKET lmao
I will not defend the unsettling texture of my chili to you or anyone, madam.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
I’m sorry but every time I see the words “Lord Pickles” I think they’re talking about a very fancy cat.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.