Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
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her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
*pronounces fake like saké*
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
It’s not politically correct to say Retarded, we say Politician now.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.