Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.

It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.

It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.

I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now

A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.

Canadian up.

FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”

Judge: Call your next witness

Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips

Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in

Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning

Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up

How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

Parole officer: Come in and take a seat

[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:

The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache

When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?

[grounding my son]

me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!

wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play

me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it

*Paranormal Factivity*

[I walk into my bathroom]

“OH MY GOD”

[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]

My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”

If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.

son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”

I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.