Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.

My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs

Please be on notice:

From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.

boss: why are you so late?

me: why are you so obsessed with me?

Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.

She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones

[Gender reveal party]

Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?

Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.

“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”

Brain: Magical!

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.

If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back

so I asked him to move.

You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.

If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Every BBC series about the universe.

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

I might carry a baby with one hand.

ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.

ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*

*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.