Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
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He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control. I thought to myself, “Wow this changes everything.”
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
making my kids wear corduroy pants so they can’t sneak up on me
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.