Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.

To the person who stole my place in the queue.

I’m after you now.

One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?

Great grandma: No.

Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like

ME: *exists*

KID: that’s not how mommy does it

I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical

Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’

The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.

Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?

I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase

dentist: u need to floss

me: no

dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth

me: really

dentist: in a fistfight

me: that sounds unrelated

dentist: it was my fist. do what i say

I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help

Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.

Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’

-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!