Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
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It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
this is the greatest thing ever
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.