Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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this post was so formative to me
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Maths meets science
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Concierge: Sorry, there is no record of your reservation and we have no spare rooms
Mary: Ok that does it, I want to see your manger
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?