Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
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I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
The internet is full of many things
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Does anyone else’s spouse insist on eating and drinking in the car while driving?
My wife has spilled so much stuff in her car that it looks like the movie Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs was filmed inside it.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today
Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to
?” You: “Yes, it is…”
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it“…at least I hope so!!”
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.