Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.

What happens when Batman sees Catwoman?

The Dark Knight Rises

Happy Tuesday

Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

Me: [puts dog food into dish]

My dog: eh I’m not hungry

[1 minute later]

Me: [opens package of cheese]

My dog: oh great I’m STARVING

My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.

“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.

People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?

Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.

I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.

It’s kids. I have kids.

My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.

Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.

*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*

I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.

if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

Sticker placement is key.

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?

ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa

Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*

“Welcome to lazy club. My name i-*doors get kicked in*
“THIS IS A ROBBERY! NOBODY MOVE!”
[voice from the back] “Nobody was going to.”