Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.

Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*

Me: you know you could refill it

Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own

Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?

Husband: omg are you?

Me: I hate you

DAD: You’re adapted.

SCREENPLAY: What?!

“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.

christening a ship with an overripe banana

At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.

When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible

Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun

Cop: Was it a revolver?

Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal

ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs

Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.

Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.

My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?

I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…

5 yo: Mommy did that.

Me: Did what?

5 yo: She hit that with her car.

Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.

I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to

I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.

me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out

[45 mins later]

camera man: should we see other stuff now?

me: *out of breath* no

When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”

“So sorry” – Actually sorry

“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry

“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all

“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.

When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

Given the memory span of a goldfish…