Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

this is the greatest thing ever

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.

Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”

So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?

“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.

Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails

9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?

Me: (pause) Europe.

WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops

At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”

me: do you think he’ll ever walk again

wife: [recording baby’s first steps] yes

An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.

it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.

Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school

Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.

Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.