Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”

*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

*wakes up screaming*

Wife: What happened??

Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.

Wife: Silly that’s impossible.

Me: The flying leopard part?

Wife: No, the part about you jogging.

My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.

Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit

‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok

How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.

Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter

I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.

I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash

Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.

When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.

I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?

My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.

Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.

I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…

…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.

*seductively annoys the shit out of you*

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars

HER: what’s it called

ME: sorry, no spoilers

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”

9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”

What month is it? Why is summer so long?