Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

*whips out tampon*

“Now weigh me”

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?

me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves

fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians

[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”

If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.

The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?

STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??

ME: *slowly stands up*

Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.

Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.

Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.

My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

Co-worker at “Team-building exercise”: What the hell?!
Me: It’s called a “trust fall,” not a “trust catch.”

orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.

My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.

So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.