Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
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Welcome back to school kids. Please form an orderly line.
If you don’t already have a highly contagious virus, one will be assigned to you.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
NASA has no chill
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.