@Marlebean

Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.

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@jessokfine

My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.

@2tonbug

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

@ArfMeasures

Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?

Me *stares around my empty house* everything

@LurkAtHomeMom

Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.

@arcadeseals

me: dad, how do i make a girl like me

dad: treat her like a princess

{later}

me: [executes her in a socialist revolution]

@djdarrellripley

Me: I need to know what your office drug policy is.

Him: No drugs.

Me: Got it… Do you consider the parking lot to be part of the office?

@TheMichaelRock

My 8yo is watching a video of a guy watching a video of another guy flipping water bottles. Please pray for me during this difficult time.

@salamingia

A speedo is just a man’s way of saying “not today girls”.