Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

Finally got to tell Tilda Swinton that I named my car after her, a 2006 Subaru Forester. And she acted like I just gave her an Oscar: “A robust beast! Can take a beating! Great in water!” Bless you, you beautiful being. ❤️❤️❤️

I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.

*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*

-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?

My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts

Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”

Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”

i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines

Them: The tables have turned
Me: HOW CAN YOU TELL, THEY ARE CIRCLES

mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

Magic words that make my children disappear:

3) Bath time

2) Who did this?!

1) When I was your age…

I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!

archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?

archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird

archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?

archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.

Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.

Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

😩😩😩

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.