Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
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I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Check out the legs on this baby
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
what’s this 9 year gap in your resume?
Me: oh that? someone bought me a Rubik’s cube
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
Hey that’s my circus! *does double take* And my monkeys!!
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’