Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
You Might Also Like
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Florida man
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
“I’m so over you.”
– A blanket.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Expect the unexporcupine.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?