Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
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1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
“You’ve made your bed, now lie in it”
Me: Don’t threaten me with a good time
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I’m crying im so happy for them
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30