SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
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When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Creative Problem Solving
opening a star wars pub called bar bar binks
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
“Let them fake cake”
Marie Internette
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
Sleepy cop goes undercover, under blankets, onto pillow, next to teddy bear.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.