Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.

waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not

Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while

I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.

Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.

An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.

5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.

Apparently I am the fly.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations

Your move Martha Stewart

[coming out of coma]

Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*

Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”

-my family

Essential viewing in these troubled times.

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”

No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.

Not Sorry.

Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.

One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.

If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?

Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?

is this store having a stroke wtf

12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.

Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.

12yo: Kids do that?

Me:

12yo:

Me: No.