Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.

Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sock

The End

spending money is too easy, for my bank account’s sake i need a bridge troll to ask me three riddles before i buy something

My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.

thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”

* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.

Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.

The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order

they say if you lose one of your senses the others become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day just by looking at them

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?

Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you

Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.

alfred: you have emphysema

batman: how?

alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations

batman: oh

alfred:

batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*

alfred: sir

I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.

When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …

6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …

Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?