Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

Long job application should let me clock in to finish them

if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this

Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”

Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits

Him: You’re some eye candy.

Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.

It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.

The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.

A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.

The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block

I know a sign from God when I see one

Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.

We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm

Have you experienced humidity? You may be entitled to condensation.

Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.

Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia

“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner

Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer

Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.

*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”

Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.

[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”

Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

Take it from me

Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese

Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.

Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is