Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.

Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.

“How did your

*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*

favorite sports team do in their

*looks down again*

sporting contest today?”

having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree

My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.

I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.

The hardest thing Vision has to do

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

Me: [drinks SlimFast]

Me: [takes off shirt]

Me: [drinks SlimFaster]

Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti

Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?

When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

I can’t get the cork off my dinner.

Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?

If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.