Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
You Might Also Like
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Bartenders are just boneless bars
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
How dude HOW?!
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
12 yo: I say “mucho” to all my Spanish speaking friends
me: why?
12: bc it means so much to them
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
ME: I don’t think a Muppet “West Side Story” works because it would start to assign race/class value to the different types of Muppets, and that doesn’t at all align with their established worldview
THERAPIST: ok so like I said we’re gonna up your dosage
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.