Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
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[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Me in tagged photos
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!