Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.

Police Officer: And where have you been tonight?

3 Kings: We’ve been hanging round barns looking for a virgin.

Police Officer: Come with me to the station please.

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.

[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?

Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey

Me: I am the smartest person alive!

Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.

Me:

“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

cats when you pet them too long:

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

she wears short skirts, I’m googling the symptoms of gout. she’s cheer captain, and I have gout

“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.

And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile

i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only

Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.

I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths

Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”

Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”

Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”

Me: *fakes a seizure*

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂

noah: you did WHAT

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑