Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love the new Weight Watchers program. You can eat anything you want as long as you never join

5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?

me: no, there’s no oxygen

5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?

me: then yes

5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?

me: then no

5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?

me: is someone paying you to do this?

I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured

[Lois & Superman’s first date]

Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.

Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!

*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*

Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.

At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.

I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.

I kinda want to date him now.

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.

I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.

In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche

Them: Who hurt you?

Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile

Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*

My organs: We strike at dawn.

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie

THEM: ok

DA: Will Smith is one of the cops

THEM: k

DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc

THEM: no that’s crazy

EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini

#BRIGHTMovie

I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.

There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

[leaving the synagogue]

I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit

(first day at law school)

Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?

Prof: We don’t.

Me: This is BULLSHIT.

*flips table*

*table floats up to ceiling*

Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –

except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.

*hears dogs bark*

“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”

*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate*

*Creates a soulmate*

Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”

Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.