Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
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Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
How to draw a duck
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
We will use anything but the metric system
it’s only wednesday, and i’m being so brave about it
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Him: There’s a snake in the house. Do you want to stay at my mom’s?
Me: How big is the snake?
Twitter remains undefeated
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(