Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
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QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
friend: you should name your plants
me: why
friend: it’s just a cute thing people do
me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily
friend: wait
me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris
friend: no—
me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary
friend: I hate you
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
congratulations to them
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.