Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”

~ The person that is wrong

Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.

[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed

Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house

I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!

I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house

Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.

Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.

“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”

Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?

Her: well it does now

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.

*walks into the funeral home*

*climbs into a coffin*

I’m ready when you are

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?

What the hell happened in there??