Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.

The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.

You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .

me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .

I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday

when someone tells me love is in the air 😷

Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts

Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!

The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind

Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”

So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”

“Preventative care” means something totally different during parenthood. {moves glass of orange juice away from edge of table}

One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– the one time you misspelled that word in the chat
– how badly you misspelled that word
– god you are so stupid they will literally never let you live that down

Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.

My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.

Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.

“and this lake shall be called Superior”

all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”

Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document

the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years

I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem