Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
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Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
a rare painting of a dragon eating spaghetti
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible