Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
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Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
How about daylight saves us for once
you’re telling me this bread has monkey in it?
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.
“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.