Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
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That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Turtles made out of plastic straws, problem solved
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.