Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
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Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus